TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he must cease applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the job, replied, "You know, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from House, a feature getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting interest from international traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an Trump Tower Damascus anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will also include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where my PTSD might have switch-down company."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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